This just landed in my Outlook mailbox: The Subject line screamed “FINAL NOTICE!!”

Y O U R last chance for
Y O U R $3000.00 INCOME per WEEK!

Give Me 5 Minutes, And I'll Show You
How To Flood Your Bank Account With Serious Cash,


The only thing being flooded is my mailbox — with this worthless drivel. Wanna bet how many “last chance final notices” I get before this is all over with? Hey, if I pay you $3000 will you leave me the fuck alone?!

You may be wondering (or not) what I’m doing nosing around the obits for Nacogdoches, Texas in the first place. Well, my mission is sinister, I confess. If you read my blog of a few days ago (I Know Who You Are and I Saw What You Did), I explained that I learned that a shitwad of an ex-boyfriend is now dying of liver disease. I’m just checking to see when he kicks the bucket and goes sliding down the chute to the fiery lair of Satan below. It would be way too generous of me to believe that he took the elevator to the top floor…. Morbid, to be sure. Tacky, you bet. I can’t help myself. Imabitch….

Only in Texas…. this obit is just too damned funny. This guy would have been a great blogger, HAD HE LIVED…. I quoth you from the Nacogdoches (Texas) Daily Sentinel:

George Robert Tarver
George Robert Tarver bought the farm when his heart wore out on the 16th day of July in Nacogdoches, Texas. He was from St. Augustine, Florida, the oldest town in the United States, and died in Nacogdoches, the oldest town in Texas. George was married to Dorothy E. Brunney in St. Augustine in 1952, a couple of days after they had graduated from college — Dorothy from Stetson and George from Florida State University. They were the parents of five kids: Robert D. Tarver, Indianapolis, Indiana; Daniel R. Tarver, Evanston, Illinois; Terri K. Tarver, Bainbridge Island, Washington; Charles J. Tarver, Aspen, Colorado; and Brian J. Tarver, Columbus, Ohio. All five children attended universities in Yankeeland, and none have made it to jail yet. George is survived by the five kids; one grandson, Matthew; a sister, Mary E. Willis of St. Augustine, Fla.; and her four kids.

George attended Florida State University and Louisiana State University, and he taught at FSU while studying for a graduate degree in geology. He was a member of the Arnold Air Society, an honor group for scholastic achievement, while a member of the Reserve Officers Training Corps and also a member of the Delta Tau Delta social fraternity.

George was a cattle rancher and tree farmer in Crockett, Texas, since 1962. He worked in the oil patches of South Louisiana and Texas as a geologist and engineer, as an employee of oil companies and as an independent producer. He also worked as a hydrologist for the U.S. Geological Survey, and he ran a consulting business for several years.

George was a fellow of The Geological Society of America and a member of the American Association of Petroleum Geologists and other professional societies. He wrote many published scientific papers on the geology and/or hydrology of Texas and papers on many of the states in the Eastern United States.

George served in the Army Air Corps in a B-17 bomber squadron as a radioman during World War II. He was a member of the American Legion in Crockett, Texas, and also a member of the 91st Squadron Over-the-Hill Group until his death.

Tarver was a member of the Junior Chamber of Commerce in St. Augustine and Boca Raton, Florida. He held local and state offices therein, and was also a member of the Lions and Elks clubs in Crockett, Texas.

George’s carcass will be harvested for parts, in the event that parts that old can be used, and the residue will be cremated, with the ashes used to fertilize a patch of daffodils in Aspen, Colorado.

In the event that anyone feels the need to remember George, donate your spare parts to a living human when you die, or give an nickel to some needy college student. Neither will hurt you.

I enjoyed my stay with you folks for more than 70 years.

George R. Tarver

###

I just got an old roll of film developed that I found tossed in a drawer. This photo was taken by Robert during one of his road trips. It is the silliest sign I think I’ve seen in awhile. I mean, if I were a criminal, I might be deterred from my evildoing — at least briefly — by the presence of this mencing sign.

But hey, if I don’t do it, who will? Because I was bored and would rather sit in front of the computer and piddle around, I created a “banner” icon for my blog to go along with the “blogroll” link I’ve just put on my page. Here’s what the logo looks like, Acidman should be happy….

Like mushrooms after a rain, there seem to be all kind of blogging “tools” out there…. I’ve just discovered this one, Blog-Chalk. And now they need a post from me to complete my “entry.” So here ’tis:

Google! DayPop! This is my blogchalk: English, United States, Houston, Eastwood, Joni, Female, 41-45!

Okay, after reading all the trite and mawkish pages scorned on the Heartless-Bitches.com Sappy Site of the Week page, I just HAD to try my hand at it. Besides, he really is a good guy. As he likes to say about me, “You’re a good horse. You’ve never won a race, but you’re a good horse.” So one good turn deserves another…. In no particular order ….

He makes my lunch in the morning when I’m running late, which is always …
He’s started calling me at work to see how I’m doing, especially since I’ve got this stressful new assignment …
Without being asked (this is the important part), he washes my car for me before I go out of town with it …
He helps me do the laundry even when I know he’d rather watch sports on TV …
He nursed me through my cancer surgery in 1990 …
He showed me the beach for the first time in my life (I was 31 at the time) …
We often think of the same thing at the same time, kinda eery, really … (There’s a great story about that; I’ll blog it later this week) …
He’s very good to our two cats (and if he knew I overheard him “talking” to Sunny the other day, he’d prolly die of embarassment!) …
We’ve taken some really great road trips together …
He is the most intelligent man I know …

Okay, this landed in my mailbox again, but it’s still pretty good, so…. One more time….

REAL WOMEN VS. MARTHA STEWART

Martha’s Way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
The Real Women’s Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your >feet up, eating it anyway.

Martha’s Way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Women’s Way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha’s Way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Women’s Way: Go to the bakery. They’ll even decorate it for you.

Martha’s Way: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant “fix me
up.”
The Real Women’s Way: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too damn bad. Please recite with me The Real Women’s Motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes.

Martha’s Way: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Women’s Way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha’s Way: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
The Real Women’s Way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I just don’t do it.

Martha’s Way: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Women’s Way: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, etc., chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?

Martha’s Way: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Women’s Way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

And finally the most important tip:

Martha’s Way: Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
The Real Women’s Way: Leftover wine??

I’m kind of worried about my cat, a Maine Coon named Simon. He’s an old guy, 13 years old. He’s not sickly, but he is a bit thinner lately. He eats well, his coat is still glossy and his eyes are bright and beautiful. But he’s really testing my patience lately. Just a couple of hours ago, I caught him red-handed, attempting to shit on my wicker divan. That is usually where he sleeps. So why is he now defiling his bed? I had been having some problems with him doing this on my bed (ugh!). And I have some nice, expensive chenille bedspreads and I’m tired of washing cat poop out of them. So he’s been banned from the bedroom. Which is really upsetting to me because one of the high points of my evening is that he’d settle in on my pillow and I’d fall asleep with my arm around him. And I knew that he would watch over me at night because he was always there when I woke up the next morning. It was only after I’d leave for work that he would sometimes take out his imagined revenge on me by taking a nice dump on the bed, usually a day or two after I’d changed the sheets, the little shit (bad pun intended). Is he doing this on my daybed now in retaliation for me locking him out of the bedroom at night? Does he have to spend the rest of his little life banished from the bedroom because of this bad behavior? Or should I just consign myself to laundering cat poop out of my linens for the rest of his life, however long that is? I’d hate for that to happen; but I also want my quality time with my kitty back again. Any ideas anyone?

I find that blogs are a very interesting phenomenon and a great way to communicate! So much so that I’ve decided to organize a group blog at my office for one of the secretaries (Jane, not her real name) who is going to have surgery and a lengthy period of recuperation afterward. I’ve set up a blog where all of the secretaries on the team can contribute and it will be something fun for all of us — and especially Jane, as she lay helpless in front of her computer at home — to do!